Moving to another place.

Well, as most of you know, we are going on the World Race this January and we shall be moving to a new place [a number of new places actually]. And, with that, we will have a different blog for the next year. All of our team members have one through our organization. We'd love to simply place our new posts here and there, but with the slow internet we are going to be using [one girl told us it was FAST when she could load 3 pictures in 1 hour], we've decided to just stick with one.

So, here's our address for the next year. We've already begun blogging [we'll be a LOT more consistent, promise].

http://katieandbillyswan.theworldrace.org/

Hope to see you over there. We love you!

Back from the dead...

Well, I'm guessing that only those of you who use a feeding service will get this, since it's been 7 months since we've written anything on here. Anyways, here's what's on my mind:

Tonight we had a youth leader's meeting, which was awesome. We had a great time, and some great conversation broke out afterward. A topic that I have struggled with for over a year came up. A year and a half ago I had to read a book called "Christianity with Power" and it was a book about healing through the power of the Holy Spirit. It was a really challenging book and left me asking "what role should healing play in the Christian faith today?"

There are a few girls in my church who struggle with some pretty significant health issues that are debilitating for them. I wonder all of the time whether God still wants His people to be healing in His name. I have heard of such things happening in other countries, but never really seen it. Yes, I'm talking about laying hands on someone and saying "In the name of Jesus BE HEALED." (this is all of course without the wind-up and swing you often see from televangelists). I just think of what it would do to my faith community to see a girl crippled completely by cerebral paulsey healed and restored to perfect health by the power of the Spirit. It would radically awaken people to the reality of God. So is this what God wants? I don't know. Pray with me on this one and comment on what you hear.

Floating

These past days [weeks, months] I feel like life is just floating by. Like I move from one day to the next, barely staying above water, barely able to accomplish this nasty list of "to dos." I say nasty because I didn't make the list or decide what I wanted on it. Instead it's filled with necessities: showers, dinners, homework, sleeping, driving [and more driving] and yet it is vastly void of any passion. Void of anything exciting. Void of me.

I've been slowly trying to escape the list, leaving these necessities undone. I'm seeking myself through silence, reading, praying, thinking, drawing and just being. I've suffocated myself for so long that I find myself still so far away from knowing exactly who or what I am [outside of an exhausted nursing student]. But I'm getting excited. You see, as I chip away at the layers of stuff and I find myself peaking through, I get a little more hopeful. I know I'm under there somewhere, and I feel my life becoming something tangible, something real, something me.

Dry as Dirt...

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to start this. Honestly, I want to figure out a way to spin it without making myself look too bad, but still making myself look transparent. Figure that one out. I think people do that a lot, John Ortberg calls it image control. Anyways, that was random, and not even the start of what's on my mind.

What is appropriate to share on a blog? I guess there are really no rules or anything, only what you're willing to share. Life is rough for me right now. I went from no job to 4 jobs, from spending all day every day with my wife to barely having the energy to talk with her before we fall asleep, from loving God and being excited about His kingdom to...where I am now. Quite honestly, I can't even pray. I just took a walk, which used to be one of my tried and true ways that I could really spend some quality time talking with God. I started a few prayers, but it felt like that phone conversation with somebody who you haven't talked to for a long time, but don't really have all that much of a desire to really talk to. It's horrible, and I hate it! (I'm sure that taking our dog with me on this walk was not beneficial for this end, but I also don't think it really had that much to do with it).

I've been kinda down lately. I have that overwhelming feeling that I am not what I'm supposed to be, and I don't even know what to do with it. Do I drop everything I'm doing? Do I try to rearrange things? Is there a bigger heart issue going on here? I am just...lost. I think it's time for me to go to bed.

Coming to a Close

I can't believe that it's been 3 months since we jumped on the plane and came to Istanbul the first time. Things were so different then. There was an adventure ahead, many unknown things, and I was preparing myself to work with women that in all reality, I never worked with until my last week over here! It's been a great time, and God has taught us so much. What's more, I am coming away from this summer with a greater desire to know God more, as well as a greater love and appreciation for my wife. It's pretty awesome that God blesses us in ways we don't expect, and often doesn't give us the life we planned.

Last night we ran 15miles. We've been training for the Chicago marathon all summer, and last night was definitely my hardest run yet. It was hot, there were hills, and many people looking at us like we were out of our minds to be running. But it was great! I find it amazing sometimes what I can do when I put my mind to something. I also find it frustrating, because it makes me realize that there are so many things that I should be doing that I'm not, and it really is just that I choose not to do them, like spending good amounts of time studying God's Word, or developing a better prayer life, or spending plenty of quality time with my wife when life gets busy. Maybe I need to put my life on a training program?

All said and done, it's been an awesome summer! However, I'm so excited to get on a plane in 48 hours and head back to Chicago (actually, when we land we're driving straight to PA to spend time with family). I'm ready to see my family and friends, and to start school, ride my motorcycle, drive a car, and be comfortable. It almost feels wrong to say that, seeing the poverty people live in, even compared to the life I lived this summer. How do I enjoy some of the comforts of home without becoming too attached to them? Without becoming detached from the reality of the rest of the world that I've seen? I know I shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying the things that God has blessed me with, it just shakes up my perspective a little bit to meet intelligent people who work 60 hours a week making 50 cents at a grocery store they could never even afford to shop at. I will not forget those people as I go about my life.

Well, that was an extremely random collection of my present thoughts. Now, I must go and eat breakfast.

Bus Bugs

In case you've missed our updates about our constantly changing travel plans, we are now in Kiev, Ukraine. We're spending time with some missionaries here who run an international church that is run in English. There are many people living in Kiev who are from other countries and speak English, and this is an awesome church. They finally had to turn off the lights an hour and 15 minutes after the service to get people to leave. They informed me this is a normal occurrence, but usually those left in the church come to Paul and Christine's house and hang out, cook, and eat lunch together. I love church like that! These people really know and love each other, and it's pretty awesome.

So you know that mosquito from Jurassic Park? I think it bit me. Either that, or somebody hit me with a pipe when I was sleeping. On the way to Kiev, my legs were itching a bit, which is normal, since I've been getting bit all summer by mosquitoes. However, this was no run of the mill mosquito. My ankle has swollen up like mad, and it hurts to walk on it, which has put marathon training at a bit of a pause for me. I've taken plenty of Benadryl, but it's not doing he trick. Today I'm going to see a doctor who is a friend of theirs to see what she things about things. It's kind of a reminder how vulnerable we truly are as humans. I mean some little bug that's smaller than a fingernail can put me down for the count. Sometimes I think I'm like the teenager who thinks that they are invincible, and then I get these little reminders. Such is life.

Oh yeah, we come home in 2 weeks!

Just as Difficult

Billy came with me to the orphanage this week and as he put it, "my heart was ripped out twice today." See, we went to the same two rooms as last time: one filled with innocent handicapped toddlers and another filled with AIDS/infants.

Each time we had to leave the rooms, the children wailed. I'm not talking little sobs here, but outright cries of injustice. It broke my heart just as hard this time as it did the last--even thought I was preparing myself. It's easy to push off the situation as surreal, but I keep forcing myself to picture the reality, and it's plain painful.

The Caves

So I just figured I would share some pictures from my awesome day in the caves yesterday!

Small Smiles from God

Well, I'm not sure if God has any small smiles, but He smiles at us in the small things. This morning, Katie and I were due to run 12 miles for our marathon training. We were a little nervous about this, not only because it's 12 miles, but because it has been hot and very humid here all week. This morning was beautiful! We got out there, and it was about 63 degrees with a light breeze, heavy clouds to hide the sun, and it wasn't humid. This has happened for us nearly every Saturday, which are the days we run our long runs, so thanks for the small things, God!

Then as we finished Igor, my Moldovan friend showed up at the park with two bottles of peach iced tea, my new favorite drink of the summer. Beautiful. Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Getting Older

So I think I really am getting older. Rarely do I make it through the night without waking up to go to the bathroom these days (at least I'm still waking up to go, that's a good thing I guess), and I keep waking up before my alarm. I'm not setting my alarm for 10am or anything either. All week, my alarm has been set for 7, but I have woken up at 6:15 four days this week.

However, today I am excited to be awake early. I am sitting here thinking about my day, and it's going to be awesome! My best friend in Moldova, Igor, and Andy, the missionary I am working with are going to the caves! I love going to caves and climbing stuff and crawling around on my stomach in tight spots. These are good times for me. I'm also excited that it is supposed to be between 50 and 60 degrees in there. I'm not a huge fan of heat, so this makes me happy. Most of all, I'm excited to spend time with these two guys who have been a great joy in my life this summer. As I leave Moldova on Tuesday, this is my last chance to spend some quality time with them.

Leaving is hard. I remember in college, I felt like I was just built for transition. New situations and relationships were great, and then moving on was not that hard. While I still enjoy the new relationships, it becomes harder to leave them behind. I think part of it is that I forge deeper relationships these days and I know that I will leave a small part of myself with that person. They have filled a vacuum that I had for meaningful relationships this summer, but shortly they will be people who I email occasionally, read their blogs, and maybe never see again. But today, I will just enjoy their company and their friendship as I have throughout the summer.

The forgotten Beauties

So this is Donna. Isn't she beautiful?! Just looking at her smile as I write this makes me want to run down our apartment stairs, catch the necessary taxis, and hold her as she sleeps tonight. She is precious. She has both physical + mental handicaps, her body is as stiff as a board, and she gets little attention in her orphanage room, but she is a joy.

When I arrived she was taking a nap alongside eight other children. She lay there, wide awake, staring up at the ceiling because she was too stiff to move and had learned early on that crying would not bring someone in to get her. See, there are too many children and too few workers, so the children learn to lay quietly during their long nap, even if they awaken or never fall asleep.

She's old enough to walk, but does not even know how to sit up. I held her, stroked her, loved her, sang songs to her, smiled and snuggled with her. We had a blast and I think she laughed the entire afternoon. She was sitting in a very wet diaper, as they only get two diapers a day! But I think we both forgot.

When it came time to leave I laid Donna gently on a mattress with the other eight children and saw the smile I had seen all day wipe off her face and turn into a frown and muffled cries. In an instance my heart broke. This face will be forever imprinted on my mind and soul. She knew my departure meant days, months of loneliness.

What can I do for her? Who will be there to show her she's beautiful, that God loves her, that she was not a mistake? We were told by the workers that many of these young children die as they grow older because they need people to feed them and give them special care, but as they grow up in the orphanage system, they are not given this additional care. In other words they STARVE to death because no one helps them. I know that might sound blunt and harsh, but how can I write it any other way? I've been to orphanages before, but somehow this beautiful little girl grabbed a hold of my heart and I will never be the same.

The Calm After the Storm

We've spent the past two weeks working with a team that was here from South Dakota, and it was good, and interesting. The first week we spent at a national youth camp for pentecostal churches, and this led me down an interesting road.

Many of you may hear the word pentecostal and think Benny Hinn, or just crazy people. This is often what I thought of. However, this summer we've been working with pentecostal missionaries and churches, and I've gained an entirely different perspective. There was much talk over the last week about the baptism of the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues. Now if you were raised in a similar tradition to myself, the baptism of the Holy Spirit is something you would say happens to you at conversion when the Holy Spirit enters your life. However, if you're pentecostal, you would consider it something that happens separately, and it is the point in your life at which the Holy Spirit gives you His power to do ministry. They also claim that this is always initially manifested through speaking in tongues. So I spent hours these past weeks talking with Pentecostal bishops, pastors and missionaries (including my wonderful roommate Sara Tady) about these things and trying to gain a greater understanding.

So here's the catch: the whole speaking in tongues always being the evidence of baptism in the Holy Spirit doesn't seem to fit with what I see in Scripture. But I look back on certain things in my life, and I know I have not experienced God as fully as I ought to, and I know that my ministry lacked something that should have been there. So what is it that I'm missing? Is it the baptism of the Holy Spirit? Is it a more disciplined and surrendered life? I don't know. So it's been a time of theological struggle for me, but I've really enjoyed listening to these men and women of God and hearing about their experience of Him.

After the week of camp, we went and did some work in villages with this same team, which was enjoyable, mostly. I'm realizing that sometimes God uses people in my life to really help me realize my own weaknesses and faults. This is not necessarily by anything wrong that they do, but rather just the way things shake out. I realized that I often do things to receive recognition for doing them. I want people to see my acts of service and recognize them. When they don't I'm a little upset and wounded. So much for that not letting my left hand know what my right hand it doing stuff.

So after these two weeks, I'm confused, disappointed with myself, tired, but really thankful that I got to experience all that I did. I'm coming out of it with a greater passion to know God and be TRANSFORMED in every aspect of my being. If you actually read this far, congratulations, you're either a trooper or a glutton for punishment. Keep praying for me as God is using this summer to challenge and stretch me.

A Moldovan Wedding

While we've been here in Moldova, we've made friends with several nationals. This past Saturday, one of them got married, and we were invited to the wedding. I'm friends with Igor (the bride's brother) and Karine (the bride). When we spent time with them last week, I was joking around and told them Katie would sing at their wedding. Those of you who know Katie know that she would never agree to this, so it was just a friendly joke. Katie told them I knew how to sing and play guitar, and it kinda ended there.

When we arrived at the wedding, Igor told me that I was "in the program." I thought he was joking for sure. Then the MC came up to me with the typed up program, and sure enough, there was my name on the list! I couldn't believe it, and Katie thought it was awesome. Well, I pulled a song out of the memory bank, forgot some of the words while I was singing, and over all, it turned out alright.

Then we ate. Boy did we ever eat. They had so much food at this wedding, it was unreal. They kept bringing out more and setting it on our table, and I didn't want to be insensitive, so I kept eating! There were games and jokes that were basically designed to roast the bride and groom, but we didn't understand much of what was going on, since it was in Romanian. It was great fun to celebrate with them and to see the love and joy that filled the room, as joy is not something that we see very often in Moldova. Pray for them, as they are young (she's 19) and just starting out in marriage.

Unbreakable

The resiliency of some people's souls never ceases to amaze me. This week we were out in a village, and we met a kind woman who had just recently given birth to a child. She was so joyful and happy to have her baby, and to have a roof over her head. However, we learned that a few years ago, a friend of hers offered to take her on a vacation to Turkey. Now I don't know about you, but if a friend volunteered to take me on vacation with them, I'd probably be going! When they arrived in Turkey, her own good friend sold her to a brothel, where she was beaten, raped, and forced into a life of prostitution. She escaped a few months ago, pregnant with the child of one of the "men" she had been forced to service.

Her life is now very limited. No man would ever consider marrying her. Her big break came when her sister and alcoholic brother-in-law were willing to give her a room in their house that is falling apart. She considers herself so blessed to live there, especially since there are 4 small rows of grapes and a cherry tree in the backyard.

To meet this woman and look in her eyes, you would never guess what she has been subjected to, because there is hope and joy in those eyes. I sat there and thought about what it will be like for her daughter, knowing the origins of her conception and that she is unwanted by her father. She will be as disgraceful as the daughter of Hester Prynne, born as the result of evil.

Pray that the joy will not be snatched from this woman's heart, that she would cling to Christ and experience His love. It is for women like that that the Home of Hope is being established, and pray that it would open soon and be a place where women like this can find hope, acceptance, and love.

The Life You've Always Wanted

As you all know, life has looked a bit different for us this summer than we had originally planned. The Home of Hope isn't open, and we're not working in contact with as many trafficked women as we expected, however, God's pretty good with plans. A lot of what's been happening this summer has been God working in us and changing us. It's been pretty awesome.

I've been reading a book called "The Life You've Always Wanted" by John Ortberg, and it's been awesome. There aren't many books that I would recommend to EVERY Christian I know, but here's my list: The Bible, The Life You've Always Wanted. It has been incredible. I'm even reading it and taking notes!

This morning I read about slowing down your life so that you can enjoy it more, and so that you can give God some space to work. This is something that has happened to us this summer, even though we didn't make a choice to do so (maybe God knew this was the only way we'd actually slow down!). It's been really great, and life really is more enjoyable when you take time to enjoy it (seems kinda obvious, but we don't really do it).

So pick up a copy of this book, and if you're disappointed, I give you permission to punch me in the stomach next time you see me!

and then there were TWO

I love missions. I cannot remember a trip I did not have a blast. One week, two months, one year. It's all been great. Sure there were days of struggle and times I wished I could walk up the stairs on a Saturday morning to meet my pajama clad family and a stack of hot waffles instead of the rubbery intestines I was having to gulf down in my bug-infested, non-English speaking "home." But still, I loved it!

I love the adventure, the chance to try new things, and the opportunity to share the life-giving freedom I have because of Jesus. Currently I was given the assignment to write a presentation that would be presented in over THREE HUNDRED churches around Moldova--to teach, educate and call God's people to respond to trafficking. What an incredible responsibility, what an incredible impact this could have on so many individual lives. I am humbled, I am excited, and I am love missions!

All that to say, Billy and I have found ourselves lonely: wanting family, wanting friends, wanting community. Real, raw and free. We want it. We had it in Chicago and we miss it. Our evening plans used to consist of figuring out what house we were going to crash and who we were going to hang out with. Now, we decide which card game to play, book to read or project to get cracking on. And night after night after night we get bored and we want people.

So, as we enter into month number two we are trying to expand our options. We have friends on the docket for "American" dinner at our place, a family we play video games with [yes, I ALWAYS get last place] and a few single missionary girls who have played some of the same card games we have.

Here's to friendship in a foreign land.

Unforgivable Sins

I have had the privilege of meeting an incredible young woman here in Moldova who is 19 years old. I haven't said anything to her besides hi, thanks, and good morning, but I have learned her story through some of the missionaries here. Sara (obviously not her real name) is a believer and is a very kind-hearted person. A little over a year ago, she met a Moldovan man thorugh Operation Mobilization, a Missions organization that is all over the world. Sparks flew, he seemed like a nice guy, and she did the Moldovan thing, which is to marry young and very quickly after meeting someone. This turned out to be a mistake.

Within a short amount of time, the marriage became abusive physically, verbally, and emotionally. At times, her husband would lock her in the house during the day so she could not leave. She was beat and treated like a third rate human being (hate to tell you, but in a lot of ways women are already treated second rate here, and in many other places). It often takes women years upon years to walk away from an abusive relationship, and some never do. However, this girl knew that this was not right, and decided to leave her husband.

At this point, it seems that the church should step in and support such a woman who is broken and scarred, but this is the opposite of reality. Sara is now told that she is no longer allowed to be a member of the church. She is not allowed to serve in the church, and no pastor who submits to his authorities here in Moldova would dare to remarry her. So here you have a 19 year old girl with her whole life ahead of her, who if she continues to be a Christian and live in her home country, will remain single for the rest of her life. Moldova is not a land where women live single, have careers and enjoy life. Especially not Sara. As I see her sit and read with the kids and interact with them, I see in her a desire to be a mom, a desire that the church says will never be fulfilled, unless she goes back to her abusive husband.

It seems the church has added another unforgivable sin: Divorce. What about grace? Is that not a part of our vocabulary? I have been pretty frustrated about this, even though I know the pastors are men who strive for holiness, it should not be a holiness without grace. The church is the family of God, and I don't see too many families tossing out it's members because of a few mistakes.

Pray for Sara. Several missionaries have gone to bat with the bishops here for this woman, but with little success. Pray for the church in Moldova, that they would be able to inspire holiness through grace, as Jesus Christ does.

Whatever it takes...

A little over a week ago, we sat in the car with Andy and Nancy, our host missionaries, and we talked about what the summer was actually going to look like. The home, which was planned to open in December of 2007, is still in the final stages of contruction. Therefore, we're not seeing women who have been trafficked, as the home is not yet open. So here's what we're doing this summer:
1. Training staff - The women who will run the home are awesome. We got to meet them last week, and they have a love for Christ and a broken heart for trafficked women in Moldova. However, they have never been trained in counseling, running a home, dealing with victims of trauma. Most of them have barely spent time with unbelievers, as the church here is very separatistic and doesn't interact with the world outside the four walls of the church often. Therefore, we're also hoping to help them understand how to show the love of Christ to those who might reject Him, at least initially. Pray for us as we undertake this task, as it is HUGE!
2. Developing a way to challenge the church to engage - barely anyone, including the church is doing anything about the problem of trafficking in Moldova, and we are helping to figure out a way to bring a challenge to the church to get involved and love these prostituted women, who are often rejected as the worst of sinners.
3. Writing promotional materials - we want to help get the word out about what is going on in Moldova and how project rescue is at work and how they can get involved.
4. Develop a ministry plan for the Home of Hope and Stella's House 2 - We're helping think through the entire process, from recruitment to a daily schedule, philosophy of ministry, discipline, and everything else you could think of. Stella's House 2 will house 25 girls and be somewhat similar to Stella's House (see previous post). The Home of Hope will house survivors of sex trafficking and help them recover.

So that is our task for the summer. Please be in prayer for us as we strive to be sensitive to God's leading as we help these ministries develop. Pray that we would be able to accomplish the tasks that have been set before us, and pray also that God would work in our hearts and change us to be more like the version of ourselves that we are supposed to be.

Falling in Love With Jesus

One of the coolest things we've been able to do so far was to go hang out at a place called Stella's House here in Moldova. In this country, orphans are put out of orphanages when they turn 16 and left to take care of themselves. Stella's House was started by a man named Philip Cameron because he saw that girls would be easily trafficked when they came out of the homes, 16 years old and vulnerable. What's more, he saw that these girls had never really had a home, never really been loved or known what's it like to have a family. Stella's House is a beautiful house where 14 girls live together with house parents, and let me tell you, they've got a pretty good home going on there.

Philip was talking with Katie and I as well as two other American girls in their 20s for a while about the ministry and his life and journey with Christ. This man has dedicated his life to multiple ministry projects for Christ, and if you were to sit with this man, you would understand that he has passion and he's all heart. He looked at us and said "Let me tell you something: Fall in love with Jesus! Don't ever do ministry because you feel like you should serve or out of obligation. Fall in love with Jesus and you won't be able to stop." Those words have been ringing in my head for the past few days. What does it look like to really fall in love with Jesus?

I think I fell in love with Jesus in high school. I remember times of sitting in my youth pastor's house singing my heart out and feeling so connected to God. Then I went to college, and I started learning how to explain and "understand" God. Then I learned, as I always did, that if I loved God, I needed to do work for God, so I did. I worked in youth groups, at camps, at homeless shelters, on missions trips, etc. Somewhere in there, it stopped being about loving Jesus and more about just doing what I know I'm supposed to do. Now I sit here in Moldova thinking back and wondering how do I get to a place of just loving Jesus. That is what I want, that is what I desire, and that is how you all can pray for me.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

My patience was tested this week, and I failed. After spending a few days with Virginia in Turkey, we bought our bus tickets to go from Istanbul to Varna, Bulgaria. The man who sold us the tickets was nice, and Virginia was there to interpret, which I clearly took for granted. We were instructed to jump on this service bus that would take us where we needed to go. So the service bus took us to a nice little terminal, where we waited 2 hours for our bus.

As we were starting to get a little nervous, 8 minutes after our bus was supposed to leave, a kind man selling roasted chestnuts looked at our tickets and took me into the station. Everyone was looking worried…

It turns out we were at the wrong station. I was able to figure out that much. They told us to get on another service bus, but that’s all I could figure out. A bus to where? When would we get there, and when would we be able to catch a bus to Varna? Conveniently, nobody spoke English, and I don’t speak a lick of Turkish. I sat on the service bus and prayed for patience. I couldn’t handle it much longer, so I wandered around the terminal for a while asking everyone if they spoke English, and my frustration grew and grew. Finally, as I had resigned hope and was ready to get back on the service bus, somebody said “Where do you need to go?” The English language never sounded so sweet.

It turns out we got on another bus that beat our bus to a truck stop and dropped us off, while calling the other bus that would pick us up. Turks are extremely accommodating, as Virg told us, and their kindness was a huge blessing. I’m such a talker that it drive me insane not to be able to communicate. That small taste of hopelessness and frustration made me realize that I will be an extremely motivated language learner when I land somewhere long-term. Or maybe even for the summer. Pray for me as I start trying to learn Romanian so I can somewhat communicate and not find myself so completely out of control and hopeless again.

And so it begins

Well, it's 2 in the morning and we're hanging out with one of Katie's friends who is a "worker" here. The flight all went well, we even got a free upgrade on our 8 hour flight, which makes a big difference! As our flight landed in Turkey, I looked at Katie and said, "well, here goes not being able to communicate with most people for 3 months!" You can pray for us on that one, as I am a big communicator, and it really frustrates me not to be able to do so. I'm going to get a Romanian tutor this summer, but how much can you really learn in two months? As I was at the airport listening to people from all different nations talking to each other, I wondered what it would have been like at the tower of Babel. When you go to a different country, you expect not to understand people, and it's still a bit shocking. Imagine one day you just can't communicate with just about anyone around you. That must have been a rough day... Moral of that story, do what God says.

Anyways, we're pretty excited for the next week. A week from today, we meet up with the missionaries that we'll be staying with for the summer in Moldova. Until then, Katie and I will spend a week making our way up to Moldova, which is 3 countries away. This is our one week of being alone. This will be our first week of being alone, not having homework, just spending time together. It'll be great. Then the big adventure begins and we will move into a family style orphanage, which is a small house with two parents and 8 kids ages 6-17, and then us. Craziness. And only one of them speaks English...a little. Alright, I should go to be to try to kill this jetlag thing. We'll keep you guys up to speed!

Community

This past week, Dan, Stacia, Katie and I have started going through a book called "Spiritual Friendships," and it's been pretty incredible so far! We sat together and discussed such friendships over breakfast on Thursday, and realized that we really lack the type of friends who bring energy to our relationships with God. This was a sad, yet exciting realization for me (Bill). Sad because I realize that I've been missing out, but exciting because I realize that through open, authentic relationships with other people whose priority is living for God, I can experience intimacy with Christ.

Intimacy...what a girly sounding word. It sounds like something you should have with your wife, and that's it. I think it stinks that intimacy is something that's feminized. I desire to have men in my life who know the depths of my soul and can see through me and speak into my pain and weakness. Dan's the closest thing I've got, but we both know it can get so much better. I'm sure that there's other men out there in the world that desire intimacy, but sometimes it's just so hard to see! It's like we're trained not to want it, even though it is the very thing that our soul cries out for and NEEDS! No man is an island, but plenty of them live on one and let nobody else see anything but the coast. Well, not me. Not anymore at least. I want to experience true fellowship with other people, men and women alike, and as this happens, I want to experience God in a different way. I want my "spiritual life" to consist of more than a checklist of Bible-reading and prayer times. I want intimacy! I want community! And I want to give of myself to others!

I'd love to hear thoughts on this...so comment away!

Helpless...

My first two years in youth ministry made me feel helpless. I felt helpless to touch the pain of people who were struggling, unable to help people with struggles that were outside of my experience. I could rifle off Bible verses to them, but for those of you who have tried this, you know the result. So I decided to go to grad school to get a masters in counseling (mind you, my intention was never to become a professional counselor, but rather to be able to help people who I encounter throughout my ministry and in every area of my life. I must say that Trinity (my school) has been an AWESOME experience and I've learned so much from it. I've learned about myself, others, and hopefully how to help people.

However, I'm pretty convinced that no matter how much training you get, there will always be people who will be able to make you feel helpless. This weekend, I met one. I had the opportunity to go speak at a youth retreat for a church in my hometown in PA (ironically not the church I went to). After one of the sessions, a girl came to talk to me. Through many tears and painful cries, she explained that her parents had died when she was young and that she couldn't even remember their voices. Her brother, only a year and a half older, had walked out of her life and doesn't communicate with her any more. "How can I trust in a God who has taken so much from me? If God is loving, why did this happen? I don't have anyone to look up to and whenever I trust someone, they let me down."

My teachers at Trinity would be proud of me for not giving any of the pat answers that this girl has probably heard before, that someday it would all make sense and God has a plan. What do people mean by that anyways? That her parents dying was planned by God? That He wanted it to happen? That God directly plans every action and decision that's made. This is the only logical conclusion if this were part of God's plan. God's plan is to redeem an elect group of people through His Son and to create a new earth for His people. Are all the details planned as well? I don't think so, but I'm open to hearing comments from others, as this is an issue I think about a lot. I don't think that God's foreknowledge of all that will happen includes his predestination of all events.

I am communicating with this girl through email and helping her to struggle through her feelings of anger and doubt toward God. If you've got any wisdom, comment...

Inaugural Ride

For those of you who don't ride motorcycles, there's a good chance this post will bore you to pieces. Today, I came home from school and flushed the radiator on my bike. First of all, you must understand that these things always take longer than expected. After finishing, I called a friend to hang out, but he was busy. It was 47 degrees, so I decided it was time for my first good ride of the season.

As I hit the semi-open road, I once again felt the wind in my face and the rumble of the engine directly beneath me. I stopped at the gas station and treated her to a nice tank full of premium gasoline. As I twist my wrist, the 1100 CCs are at my command and I pass cars with ease. It is here that I escape from the pressures of life and the responsibility of homework, and I just ride. All that exists is my bike, the road, and the sound of classic rock coming through my stereo. I thought about nothing, I worried about nothing, and I ended up exactly where I started. But I was not the same. Riding season is open...

words

The Lord is my lover.
He tears at the holes of my soul.

As the day grows colder,
He comforts in the depth of the fire.
Daily--watching and waiting.
Oh, that I would beckon Him closer.

Temptations dance about.
His sovereign hand a castle without key.
Waiting, simply waiting.
Building me into a temple of purity [when I come].

I hunger and yearn.
I flee and I hide.
The lights begin to fade
There He stands,
Directing me into the darkness
Carrying me over the deep blue seas.

My future lies in Him.
And apart from my King,
I have no soul to be filled.

thirty two days of bliss

For a long time Christmas has meant snowy days off of school, big family gatherings in small houses, and dozens of papery rapped presents. It was one of those times that sparkled with anticipation from December 26th until the toasty warm morning would arrive. We even had chocolate calenders to help us count down the days--a sweat gesture, as if we would forget!

Today these enchanting memories continue to boast of its coming presence and glimmers of excitement overflowing from my sore throat. What a paradox I find myself in as still these childhood delights knock at my being. Snow has already begun to envelope our house and in less than 16 hours our escape from school will begin. Our days will be packed with extended stays in Pennsylvania + Minnesota and already boxes have been filled with crisp new books and clean shirts. Even our chocolate calenders are looking shabbier by the day!

The arrival of such a humbling holiday has been on my mind for months. November 1st I locked my radio to the only Chicago station playing festive music till Christmas and I have yet to shift the dial. Whether it was the promise of family or the rest from nursing, the holiday has become a beckon towards rest + a call to find myself in the wonderful awe of the coming Christ child.

To think, some 2,000 years ago a young, young man + woman [16 or 17 years old] welcomed our King into this world as they sat in a barn. They offered the newborn straw and an old garment to keep him warm and as only a parent could understand, they loved him with all their might. Oh what excitement! Already my body yearns to belt out in Silent Night and to think deeply about that wondrous night. Let us find such gut retching joy in this birth that our days will no longer be the same.

'The greatest of kings. Born in the most humble of places. God, made into flesh'

As the days grow colder...

Motorcycle season is officially over! This is always a slightly depressing realization for me. I really enjoy riding. There's something about it that just changes everything. When I come out of my 12 hour days at school, I get on my motorcycle and I'm free! Now, I'm just cold. However, I have started listening to the Chronicles of Narnia, and that has made the car not so bad.
God has really kicked by butt lately. A few weeks back, I read an incredible book called "The Peacemaker." I think that everyone should read it, because it is life-changing! I read this book as I was preparing to go into a meeting with someone who I felt had wronged me greatly. As I read about conflict and was challenged to consider how I had contributed to it, my world of self-deception fell apart and I was forced to take a long hard look at the ugly person I have been. Issues of gossip, backstabbing, and rebellion had set up camp in my life, and somehow I was completely blind to it. What a patient God we have! Somehow He knows what we need and when we need it. Had this realization come sooner, maybe it would not have had the same effect.
Confessing and receiving forgiveness from people and from God has incredible power. After doing this, I was instantly set free from my own anger and bitterness that has laid siege on my life these last months. It's really quite incredible. So here's the lesson...take care of crap between you and other people, and God will bless you for it. Read the book, trust me! It's by Ken Sande.

To be OR not to be a Nurse

I wish I knew the answer. Before this school year I was confident in the whole nursing thing. Funny that I could be so certain before stepping foot into a hospital. But, I was. I loved my science classes, loved working w/ people, + loved everything I knew about nursing. I cannot capture my current struggles with a phrase or connect them back to a certain experience. This first semester has just been hard. Really hard.

I am exhausted. I am disheartened. And really, I am so confused as to what to do next. I've been doing my best and plowing through the end of the semester w/out thinking. That way, I would not base my decision on emotions, but I would have the freedom of Christmas break to really evaluate. Really analyze why I am doing this.

So here's to Christmas break. It's only 2 1/2 weeks away. We'll be packing up our house. Moving in w/ friends. And deciding a big chunk of our future. Let's hear it for good times!

Moving Toward Freedom...

I think digging ditches has got to be one of the best crime deterants that the justice system ever came up with. It's success rate for keeping away second time offenders must be second only to the death penalty. I've spent over 20 hours in the past couple of weeks digging a trench, and my back is still sore. Luckily, I received a call yesterday that due to ComEd (the electric company) marking the lawn incorrectly, I have to move the last 25 feet of my trench. Fun, fun fun. It's actually been awesome that God provided a job for me before this one was even over. I started out deciding to work 3 days a week, go to school 2 days a week, and then try to get everything else done and find time to relax and enjoy life. This didn't work out very well. Then I decided to cut back to 2 days of work a week, which made things manageable, but still pretty insane. Now that basketball season is starting at the park district, I'm going to just ref basketball one day a week, and use the other days to do my homework, clean the house, start preparing to move, and doing other things that I will enjoy. I'm quite excited!
So I often criticize these people who work too much and don't have time to spend with their families, etc. I realized a few weeks ago that I was doing the same thing, just making a whole lot less money doing it. I was working more than I needed to just so that I could have more money and live a little bit more comfortably. And what was the result? Insanity, stress, and little time to spend with my wife/friends/God. Now I've got my head on a little more straight, and I'm just pumped to use my time in a way that I hope is pleasing to God.

weightless

For Christmas my sister's bought me the Bible on CD. I could not have asked for a better gift these days. I have thousands upon thousands of pages of reading for nursing school + with my congested daily commute, it has been wonderful. Today I was listening to 1 Corinthians + experienced a break through. It was not just words on a page, but the Holy Spirit opened my heart + mind and in an instance I reached a point I thought was weeks + months down the road: Forgiveness.

"Judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God." [1 Cor 4:5]

We're encountered a lot + my heart has been heavy. Then, I realized that TRULY I do not need to seek justice or revenge. God Himself will do it for me. I do not have to agree to what has been done or not done or how something was done. I had thought I did, but God does not compromise. He does not justify sinful actions. He loves people, yet He still hates sin. And I can do the same! Oh how freeing it is to know that I do not have to agree with the acts, but I can just love the people. God's Word is so powerful. It is unlike anything else I could read. Unlike ANYTHING.

Looking ahead...

Here it is, the last blog that I will write from my office here at West Hills Community Church. For those of you who have not heard, the elders have asked me to leave our church. This is not one of those crazy I got caught messing around with a youth group girl situations, it's just that our church is sinking, and I was a full-time youth pastor in a church of 50 or so people. Still, this is hard. As I packed my office today, I actually felt like crying as I though about all of the great memories I've had at the church and all of the struggles that I've gone through with people here. Moving on is rough, especially when you don't get to make that choice for yourself. So I went for some pick-me-up music, Dashboard Confessional. Those of you who are a bit older might not understand the irony of that statement, but it's just really emotional music. Writing this is a part of my closure. I don't think it really hit me until this morning as I sat in my awesome chair and just thought about the last three years. I sure have changed a lot in three years. When I started here, I was just a college kid, Katie and I were just friends, and I had experienced little emotional pain in my life. I was the light-hearted you can't phase me type of person. God has made me realize that reality is quite different than that picture I had painted of myself. But you know what? It feels good to feel, and to have other people's feeling affect me, and to mourn loss. Katie and I are obviously more than friends, and I am no longer that happy-go-lucky delusional college kid. I have grown, I have changed, and I have learned so much about who God is as I have walked with Him through this experience.

Funny that I would say I'm no longer that college kid, because I'm now in grad. school full-time. It's strange being with all of the people who came there straight out of undergraduate school. I feel like I can't connect with them on the same level. Most of my friends there are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. Ministry ages people quickly I think. I am going to be working part-time as a contractor (construction, not killing people) for a man from my old church, and I'm really excited to have the chance to do this. Keep us in your prayers, as we are both keenly aware that the journey through this pain is nowhere near over. Thanks everyone!

So here's what I think it means, in my grad school terms

What does it mean to be a Christian?
If one were to derive the definition of Christian merely from the word, they would describe a Christian as a “little Christ” or someone who is like Christ. However, to stop here I feel is to do a great disservice both to the grace of God and to believers. When a person calls themselves a Christian, they are including herself in a story of God’s gracious dealings with humanity.
A Christian is one who has had a life-changing encounter with the grace of God. Prior to this encounter with grace, all humans are sinful in their hearts and actions to some degree, even if there is good in them. They are created by God to live in relationship with Him, reflect His image, look after His creation and inhabit His earth, which He so graciously created for humankind (Gen. 1). However due to their own sinful choices, they continually distort God’s image and reflect merely a hint of their Creator, thus neglecting their intended purpose as humans and children of God.
In order to redeem humanity and restore the image of God in humankind, God sent His Son Jesus to live a perfect life and be the human that all humans are supposed to be, and then to die and pay the penalty for the ugly distortion of humanity that humankind had created through their sins (2 Cor. 5:18-21). This sacrifice made it possible for humans to receive limitless forgiveness from God for deviating from His purpose for them and to start over as His children, this time with the help of His Holy Spirit (Gal. 4:6). Through the Holy Spirit, Christians enter into process of becoming more and more like Jesus, the perfect model of true humanity and the perfect reflection of God’s character.
The point in one’s life at which they realize their own need for forgiveness and restoration of the image of God in them is pivotal. It is at this point that they must make a choice to put their faith in person of Christ, thus restoring pure humanity in them and starting over as children of God (Rom. 10:9-10, John 1:12). If they make this choice and believe, this is the life-changing encounter with grace that makes one a child of God, that is, a Christian.
Faith in the person of Christ involves more than praying a prayer and accepting the benefits of Christ’s sacrifice. Putting one’s faith in Christ means believing that He is who He says He is and responding to Him accordingly. Throughout Scripture, Jesus is described as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords (Rev. 17:14; 19:16, 1 Tim. 6:15). Therefore, if Christians respond to Him according to this description, they give Him control of their lives and strive to live in obedience to His commands. Obedience to Christ and His commands is the evidence of true faith and a life-changing encounter with grace, and it is how Christians show God they love Him (John 14:21, 1 John 2:5-6)
Christians are included in the family of God as His children (John 1:12-13). Their purpose is then to resemble Christ in this world in their interactions with each other and with those outside the family of God (Eph. 2:10; 4:16, Matt. 5:14-16, 1 Pet. 2:12). As His children, God has promised Christians an eternal inheritance, which will involve everlasting fellowship with Him on a new and redeemed earth that is free of sin and that reflects His own beauty and holiness (Rev 21:1-4).
Therefore, to be a Christian involves so much more than being like Christ or trying to resemble His perfect example. To be a Christian is to be one whose humanity has been redeemed, through the grace of Christ, so that they might become part of the family of God and fulfill their intended purpose of having a relationship with God and reflecting His image in this world. It is to put one’s faith in Christ as the Son of God, sacrifice for sin, and Lord of their life and to respond to Him in obedience. It is complete submission of one’s will to God and to His Word. At the end of this life, Christians will then receive their eternal inheritance and live in eternal communion with God.

Not so easy as you might think

I have the privilege of taking a class at Trinity this semester called "Christian Formation and Journey." I don't speak lightly when I call it a privilege, as I am studying under a man named Perry Downs who is an incredible man of God. The class has been challenging and awesome already, and I've only had it twice! The first week, Perry asked us to write down what it means to be a Christian. I thought I had a pretty good description pounded out, until I walked into class. I set my paper down on my desk, and he walked by and grabbed it. He was nodding his head as he read on, and I was thinking I did well. Then he made that sound that's hard to type, errr! The infamous buzzer. Crap! What did I get wrong? As we went on to discuss later, I had put one sentence that said that people must "put their faith in the redemptive work of Christ." This led to a discussion of what we actually put our faith in, the person of Christ or the benefits of Christianity? Check your Bibles, it only ever talks about believing in Christ as doing you any good for salvation. Then we entered into a discussion of what it means to put your faith in the person of Christ.

In order to do this, we have to look at who the Bible says Christ is. King of kings and Lord of Lords. Hmm, that's a tough one. That means that we must submit ourselves to Him in obedience. Now that's a little bit harder than believing that Jesus is going to get you into heaven , isn't it? However, we often tend to leave out this aspect of the Gospel. We, as the church, are always trying to convince people of how easy it is to be a Christian, but Jesus himself, a rather informed person on the subject, was always trying to explain how hard it was to be a follower of His (Read Mark 10:17-31, Matt. 10:37-39). Living a life that is submitted to God is no easy task, but the sacrifice is worth knowing God and following Him. If you find it easy to follow Christ, take a look at your life and make sure that you're examining every area of it and striving to align it with God's Word. Not very easy.

Now, I don't want anyone to think that I am supporting a works-based salvation or that we are saved by what we do. That would be an abuse of the grace of God. It is through our faith in God and His grace that we are saved. However, Scripture is clear that faith is proved true by actions, and that faith without works is dead (aka. useless, won't get you into heaven) (James 2). There is grace freely offered to us when we screw up and don't line up with God's plan for our lives, but if you are not striving to live the kind of life that God lays out in Scripture, you have not accepted Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords who gave up His very life for you.

When is the last time you heard that in a church? Christians, don't try to make it sound really easy to follow Christ when that's not what the Bible says. Don't be a fire insurance salesperson, because due to this mindset, there are countless people under the impression that they're going to heaven and they're cool with God, and at the end of their life, they might very well hear those dreadful words from Jesus, "I never knew. Away from me you evildoers!"