Just as Difficult

Billy came with me to the orphanage this week and as he put it, "my heart was ripped out twice today." See, we went to the same two rooms as last time: one filled with innocent handicapped toddlers and another filled with AIDS/infants.

Each time we had to leave the rooms, the children wailed. I'm not talking little sobs here, but outright cries of injustice. It broke my heart just as hard this time as it did the last--even thought I was preparing myself. It's easy to push off the situation as surreal, but I keep forcing myself to picture the reality, and it's plain painful.

The Caves

So I just figured I would share some pictures from my awesome day in the caves yesterday!

Small Smiles from God

Well, I'm not sure if God has any small smiles, but He smiles at us in the small things. This morning, Katie and I were due to run 12 miles for our marathon training. We were a little nervous about this, not only because it's 12 miles, but because it has been hot and very humid here all week. This morning was beautiful! We got out there, and it was about 63 degrees with a light breeze, heavy clouds to hide the sun, and it wasn't humid. This has happened for us nearly every Saturday, which are the days we run our long runs, so thanks for the small things, God!

Then as we finished Igor, my Moldovan friend showed up at the park with two bottles of peach iced tea, my new favorite drink of the summer. Beautiful. Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Getting Older

So I think I really am getting older. Rarely do I make it through the night without waking up to go to the bathroom these days (at least I'm still waking up to go, that's a good thing I guess), and I keep waking up before my alarm. I'm not setting my alarm for 10am or anything either. All week, my alarm has been set for 7, but I have woken up at 6:15 four days this week.

However, today I am excited to be awake early. I am sitting here thinking about my day, and it's going to be awesome! My best friend in Moldova, Igor, and Andy, the missionary I am working with are going to the caves! I love going to caves and climbing stuff and crawling around on my stomach in tight spots. These are good times for me. I'm also excited that it is supposed to be between 50 and 60 degrees in there. I'm not a huge fan of heat, so this makes me happy. Most of all, I'm excited to spend time with these two guys who have been a great joy in my life this summer. As I leave Moldova on Tuesday, this is my last chance to spend some quality time with them.

Leaving is hard. I remember in college, I felt like I was just built for transition. New situations and relationships were great, and then moving on was not that hard. While I still enjoy the new relationships, it becomes harder to leave them behind. I think part of it is that I forge deeper relationships these days and I know that I will leave a small part of myself with that person. They have filled a vacuum that I had for meaningful relationships this summer, but shortly they will be people who I email occasionally, read their blogs, and maybe never see again. But today, I will just enjoy their company and their friendship as I have throughout the summer.

The forgotten Beauties

So this is Donna. Isn't she beautiful?! Just looking at her smile as I write this makes me want to run down our apartment stairs, catch the necessary taxis, and hold her as she sleeps tonight. She is precious. She has both physical + mental handicaps, her body is as stiff as a board, and she gets little attention in her orphanage room, but she is a joy.

When I arrived she was taking a nap alongside eight other children. She lay there, wide awake, staring up at the ceiling because she was too stiff to move and had learned early on that crying would not bring someone in to get her. See, there are too many children and too few workers, so the children learn to lay quietly during their long nap, even if they awaken or never fall asleep.

She's old enough to walk, but does not even know how to sit up. I held her, stroked her, loved her, sang songs to her, smiled and snuggled with her. We had a blast and I think she laughed the entire afternoon. She was sitting in a very wet diaper, as they only get two diapers a day! But I think we both forgot.

When it came time to leave I laid Donna gently on a mattress with the other eight children and saw the smile I had seen all day wipe off her face and turn into a frown and muffled cries. In an instance my heart broke. This face will be forever imprinted on my mind and soul. She knew my departure meant days, months of loneliness.

What can I do for her? Who will be there to show her she's beautiful, that God loves her, that she was not a mistake? We were told by the workers that many of these young children die as they grow older because they need people to feed them and give them special care, but as they grow up in the orphanage system, they are not given this additional care. In other words they STARVE to death because no one helps them. I know that might sound blunt and harsh, but how can I write it any other way? I've been to orphanages before, but somehow this beautiful little girl grabbed a hold of my heart and I will never be the same.

The Calm After the Storm

We've spent the past two weeks working with a team that was here from South Dakota, and it was good, and interesting. The first week we spent at a national youth camp for pentecostal churches, and this led me down an interesting road.

Many of you may hear the word pentecostal and think Benny Hinn, or just crazy people. This is often what I thought of. However, this summer we've been working with pentecostal missionaries and churches, and I've gained an entirely different perspective. There was much talk over the last week about the baptism of the Holy Spirit and speaking in tongues. Now if you were raised in a similar tradition to myself, the baptism of the Holy Spirit is something you would say happens to you at conversion when the Holy Spirit enters your life. However, if you're pentecostal, you would consider it something that happens separately, and it is the point in your life at which the Holy Spirit gives you His power to do ministry. They also claim that this is always initially manifested through speaking in tongues. So I spent hours these past weeks talking with Pentecostal bishops, pastors and missionaries (including my wonderful roommate Sara Tady) about these things and trying to gain a greater understanding.

So here's the catch: the whole speaking in tongues always being the evidence of baptism in the Holy Spirit doesn't seem to fit with what I see in Scripture. But I look back on certain things in my life, and I know I have not experienced God as fully as I ought to, and I know that my ministry lacked something that should have been there. So what is it that I'm missing? Is it the baptism of the Holy Spirit? Is it a more disciplined and surrendered life? I don't know. So it's been a time of theological struggle for me, but I've really enjoyed listening to these men and women of God and hearing about their experience of Him.

After the week of camp, we went and did some work in villages with this same team, which was enjoyable, mostly. I'm realizing that sometimes God uses people in my life to really help me realize my own weaknesses and faults. This is not necessarily by anything wrong that they do, but rather just the way things shake out. I realized that I often do things to receive recognition for doing them. I want people to see my acts of service and recognize them. When they don't I'm a little upset and wounded. So much for that not letting my left hand know what my right hand it doing stuff.

So after these two weeks, I'm confused, disappointed with myself, tired, but really thankful that I got to experience all that I did. I'm coming out of it with a greater passion to know God and be TRANSFORMED in every aspect of my being. If you actually read this far, congratulations, you're either a trooper or a glutton for punishment. Keep praying for me as God is using this summer to challenge and stretch me.

A Moldovan Wedding

While we've been here in Moldova, we've made friends with several nationals. This past Saturday, one of them got married, and we were invited to the wedding. I'm friends with Igor (the bride's brother) and Karine (the bride). When we spent time with them last week, I was joking around and told them Katie would sing at their wedding. Those of you who know Katie know that she would never agree to this, so it was just a friendly joke. Katie told them I knew how to sing and play guitar, and it kinda ended there.

When we arrived at the wedding, Igor told me that I was "in the program." I thought he was joking for sure. Then the MC came up to me with the typed up program, and sure enough, there was my name on the list! I couldn't believe it, and Katie thought it was awesome. Well, I pulled a song out of the memory bank, forgot some of the words while I was singing, and over all, it turned out alright.

Then we ate. Boy did we ever eat. They had so much food at this wedding, it was unreal. They kept bringing out more and setting it on our table, and I didn't want to be insensitive, so I kept eating! There were games and jokes that were basically designed to roast the bride and groom, but we didn't understand much of what was going on, since it was in Romanian. It was great fun to celebrate with them and to see the love and joy that filled the room, as joy is not something that we see very often in Moldova. Pray for them, as they are young (she's 19) and just starting out in marriage.