words

The Lord is my lover.
He tears at the holes of my soul.

As the day grows colder,
He comforts in the depth of the fire.
Daily--watching and waiting.
Oh, that I would beckon Him closer.

Temptations dance about.
His sovereign hand a castle without key.
Waiting, simply waiting.
Building me into a temple of purity [when I come].

I hunger and yearn.
I flee and I hide.
The lights begin to fade
There He stands,
Directing me into the darkness
Carrying me over the deep blue seas.

My future lies in Him.
And apart from my King,
I have no soul to be filled.

thirty two days of bliss

For a long time Christmas has meant snowy days off of school, big family gatherings in small houses, and dozens of papery rapped presents. It was one of those times that sparkled with anticipation from December 26th until the toasty warm morning would arrive. We even had chocolate calenders to help us count down the days--a sweat gesture, as if we would forget!

Today these enchanting memories continue to boast of its coming presence and glimmers of excitement overflowing from my sore throat. What a paradox I find myself in as still these childhood delights knock at my being. Snow has already begun to envelope our house and in less than 16 hours our escape from school will begin. Our days will be packed with extended stays in Pennsylvania + Minnesota and already boxes have been filled with crisp new books and clean shirts. Even our chocolate calenders are looking shabbier by the day!

The arrival of such a humbling holiday has been on my mind for months. November 1st I locked my radio to the only Chicago station playing festive music till Christmas and I have yet to shift the dial. Whether it was the promise of family or the rest from nursing, the holiday has become a beckon towards rest + a call to find myself in the wonderful awe of the coming Christ child.

To think, some 2,000 years ago a young, young man + woman [16 or 17 years old] welcomed our King into this world as they sat in a barn. They offered the newborn straw and an old garment to keep him warm and as only a parent could understand, they loved him with all their might. Oh what excitement! Already my body yearns to belt out in Silent Night and to think deeply about that wondrous night. Let us find such gut retching joy in this birth that our days will no longer be the same.

'The greatest of kings. Born in the most humble of places. God, made into flesh'

As the days grow colder...

Motorcycle season is officially over! This is always a slightly depressing realization for me. I really enjoy riding. There's something about it that just changes everything. When I come out of my 12 hour days at school, I get on my motorcycle and I'm free! Now, I'm just cold. However, I have started listening to the Chronicles of Narnia, and that has made the car not so bad.
God has really kicked by butt lately. A few weeks back, I read an incredible book called "The Peacemaker." I think that everyone should read it, because it is life-changing! I read this book as I was preparing to go into a meeting with someone who I felt had wronged me greatly. As I read about conflict and was challenged to consider how I had contributed to it, my world of self-deception fell apart and I was forced to take a long hard look at the ugly person I have been. Issues of gossip, backstabbing, and rebellion had set up camp in my life, and somehow I was completely blind to it. What a patient God we have! Somehow He knows what we need and when we need it. Had this realization come sooner, maybe it would not have had the same effect.
Confessing and receiving forgiveness from people and from God has incredible power. After doing this, I was instantly set free from my own anger and bitterness that has laid siege on my life these last months. It's really quite incredible. So here's the lesson...take care of crap between you and other people, and God will bless you for it. Read the book, trust me! It's by Ken Sande.

To be OR not to be a Nurse

I wish I knew the answer. Before this school year I was confident in the whole nursing thing. Funny that I could be so certain before stepping foot into a hospital. But, I was. I loved my science classes, loved working w/ people, + loved everything I knew about nursing. I cannot capture my current struggles with a phrase or connect them back to a certain experience. This first semester has just been hard. Really hard.

I am exhausted. I am disheartened. And really, I am so confused as to what to do next. I've been doing my best and plowing through the end of the semester w/out thinking. That way, I would not base my decision on emotions, but I would have the freedom of Christmas break to really evaluate. Really analyze why I am doing this.

So here's to Christmas break. It's only 2 1/2 weeks away. We'll be packing up our house. Moving in w/ friends. And deciding a big chunk of our future. Let's hear it for good times!

Moving Toward Freedom...

I think digging ditches has got to be one of the best crime deterants that the justice system ever came up with. It's success rate for keeping away second time offenders must be second only to the death penalty. I've spent over 20 hours in the past couple of weeks digging a trench, and my back is still sore. Luckily, I received a call yesterday that due to ComEd (the electric company) marking the lawn incorrectly, I have to move the last 25 feet of my trench. Fun, fun fun. It's actually been awesome that God provided a job for me before this one was even over. I started out deciding to work 3 days a week, go to school 2 days a week, and then try to get everything else done and find time to relax and enjoy life. This didn't work out very well. Then I decided to cut back to 2 days of work a week, which made things manageable, but still pretty insane. Now that basketball season is starting at the park district, I'm going to just ref basketball one day a week, and use the other days to do my homework, clean the house, start preparing to move, and doing other things that I will enjoy. I'm quite excited!
So I often criticize these people who work too much and don't have time to spend with their families, etc. I realized a few weeks ago that I was doing the same thing, just making a whole lot less money doing it. I was working more than I needed to just so that I could have more money and live a little bit more comfortably. And what was the result? Insanity, stress, and little time to spend with my wife/friends/God. Now I've got my head on a little more straight, and I'm just pumped to use my time in a way that I hope is pleasing to God.

weightless

For Christmas my sister's bought me the Bible on CD. I could not have asked for a better gift these days. I have thousands upon thousands of pages of reading for nursing school + with my congested daily commute, it has been wonderful. Today I was listening to 1 Corinthians + experienced a break through. It was not just words on a page, but the Holy Spirit opened my heart + mind and in an instance I reached a point I thought was weeks + months down the road: Forgiveness.

"Judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God." [1 Cor 4:5]

We're encountered a lot + my heart has been heavy. Then, I realized that TRULY I do not need to seek justice or revenge. God Himself will do it for me. I do not have to agree to what has been done or not done or how something was done. I had thought I did, but God does not compromise. He does not justify sinful actions. He loves people, yet He still hates sin. And I can do the same! Oh how freeing it is to know that I do not have to agree with the acts, but I can just love the people. God's Word is so powerful. It is unlike anything else I could read. Unlike ANYTHING.

Looking ahead...

Here it is, the last blog that I will write from my office here at West Hills Community Church. For those of you who have not heard, the elders have asked me to leave our church. This is not one of those crazy I got caught messing around with a youth group girl situations, it's just that our church is sinking, and I was a full-time youth pastor in a church of 50 or so people. Still, this is hard. As I packed my office today, I actually felt like crying as I though about all of the great memories I've had at the church and all of the struggles that I've gone through with people here. Moving on is rough, especially when you don't get to make that choice for yourself. So I went for some pick-me-up music, Dashboard Confessional. Those of you who are a bit older might not understand the irony of that statement, but it's just really emotional music. Writing this is a part of my closure. I don't think it really hit me until this morning as I sat in my awesome chair and just thought about the last three years. I sure have changed a lot in three years. When I started here, I was just a college kid, Katie and I were just friends, and I had experienced little emotional pain in my life. I was the light-hearted you can't phase me type of person. God has made me realize that reality is quite different than that picture I had painted of myself. But you know what? It feels good to feel, and to have other people's feeling affect me, and to mourn loss. Katie and I are obviously more than friends, and I am no longer that happy-go-lucky delusional college kid. I have grown, I have changed, and I have learned so much about who God is as I have walked with Him through this experience.

Funny that I would say I'm no longer that college kid, because I'm now in grad. school full-time. It's strange being with all of the people who came there straight out of undergraduate school. I feel like I can't connect with them on the same level. Most of my friends there are in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. Ministry ages people quickly I think. I am going to be working part-time as a contractor (construction, not killing people) for a man from my old church, and I'm really excited to have the chance to do this. Keep us in your prayers, as we are both keenly aware that the journey through this pain is nowhere near over. Thanks everyone!

So here's what I think it means, in my grad school terms

What does it mean to be a Christian?
If one were to derive the definition of Christian merely from the word, they would describe a Christian as a “little Christ” or someone who is like Christ. However, to stop here I feel is to do a great disservice both to the grace of God and to believers. When a person calls themselves a Christian, they are including herself in a story of God’s gracious dealings with humanity.
A Christian is one who has had a life-changing encounter with the grace of God. Prior to this encounter with grace, all humans are sinful in their hearts and actions to some degree, even if there is good in them. They are created by God to live in relationship with Him, reflect His image, look after His creation and inhabit His earth, which He so graciously created for humankind (Gen. 1). However due to their own sinful choices, they continually distort God’s image and reflect merely a hint of their Creator, thus neglecting their intended purpose as humans and children of God.
In order to redeem humanity and restore the image of God in humankind, God sent His Son Jesus to live a perfect life and be the human that all humans are supposed to be, and then to die and pay the penalty for the ugly distortion of humanity that humankind had created through their sins (2 Cor. 5:18-21). This sacrifice made it possible for humans to receive limitless forgiveness from God for deviating from His purpose for them and to start over as His children, this time with the help of His Holy Spirit (Gal. 4:6). Through the Holy Spirit, Christians enter into process of becoming more and more like Jesus, the perfect model of true humanity and the perfect reflection of God’s character.
The point in one’s life at which they realize their own need for forgiveness and restoration of the image of God in them is pivotal. It is at this point that they must make a choice to put their faith in person of Christ, thus restoring pure humanity in them and starting over as children of God (Rom. 10:9-10, John 1:12). If they make this choice and believe, this is the life-changing encounter with grace that makes one a child of God, that is, a Christian.
Faith in the person of Christ involves more than praying a prayer and accepting the benefits of Christ’s sacrifice. Putting one’s faith in Christ means believing that He is who He says He is and responding to Him accordingly. Throughout Scripture, Jesus is described as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords (Rev. 17:14; 19:16, 1 Tim. 6:15). Therefore, if Christians respond to Him according to this description, they give Him control of their lives and strive to live in obedience to His commands. Obedience to Christ and His commands is the evidence of true faith and a life-changing encounter with grace, and it is how Christians show God they love Him (John 14:21, 1 John 2:5-6)
Christians are included in the family of God as His children (John 1:12-13). Their purpose is then to resemble Christ in this world in their interactions with each other and with those outside the family of God (Eph. 2:10; 4:16, Matt. 5:14-16, 1 Pet. 2:12). As His children, God has promised Christians an eternal inheritance, which will involve everlasting fellowship with Him on a new and redeemed earth that is free of sin and that reflects His own beauty and holiness (Rev 21:1-4).
Therefore, to be a Christian involves so much more than being like Christ or trying to resemble His perfect example. To be a Christian is to be one whose humanity has been redeemed, through the grace of Christ, so that they might become part of the family of God and fulfill their intended purpose of having a relationship with God and reflecting His image in this world. It is to put one’s faith in Christ as the Son of God, sacrifice for sin, and Lord of their life and to respond to Him in obedience. It is complete submission of one’s will to God and to His Word. At the end of this life, Christians will then receive their eternal inheritance and live in eternal communion with God.

Not so easy as you might think

I have the privilege of taking a class at Trinity this semester called "Christian Formation and Journey." I don't speak lightly when I call it a privilege, as I am studying under a man named Perry Downs who is an incredible man of God. The class has been challenging and awesome already, and I've only had it twice! The first week, Perry asked us to write down what it means to be a Christian. I thought I had a pretty good description pounded out, until I walked into class. I set my paper down on my desk, and he walked by and grabbed it. He was nodding his head as he read on, and I was thinking I did well. Then he made that sound that's hard to type, errr! The infamous buzzer. Crap! What did I get wrong? As we went on to discuss later, I had put one sentence that said that people must "put their faith in the redemptive work of Christ." This led to a discussion of what we actually put our faith in, the person of Christ or the benefits of Christianity? Check your Bibles, it only ever talks about believing in Christ as doing you any good for salvation. Then we entered into a discussion of what it means to put your faith in the person of Christ.

In order to do this, we have to look at who the Bible says Christ is. King of kings and Lord of Lords. Hmm, that's a tough one. That means that we must submit ourselves to Him in obedience. Now that's a little bit harder than believing that Jesus is going to get you into heaven , isn't it? However, we often tend to leave out this aspect of the Gospel. We, as the church, are always trying to convince people of how easy it is to be a Christian, but Jesus himself, a rather informed person on the subject, was always trying to explain how hard it was to be a follower of His (Read Mark 10:17-31, Matt. 10:37-39). Living a life that is submitted to God is no easy task, but the sacrifice is worth knowing God and following Him. If you find it easy to follow Christ, take a look at your life and make sure that you're examining every area of it and striving to align it with God's Word. Not very easy.

Now, I don't want anyone to think that I am supporting a works-based salvation or that we are saved by what we do. That would be an abuse of the grace of God. It is through our faith in God and His grace that we are saved. However, Scripture is clear that faith is proved true by actions, and that faith without works is dead (aka. useless, won't get you into heaven) (James 2). There is grace freely offered to us when we screw up and don't line up with God's plan for our lives, but if you are not striving to live the kind of life that God lays out in Scripture, you have not accepted Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords who gave up His very life for you.

When is the last time you heard that in a church? Christians, don't try to make it sound really easy to follow Christ when that's not what the Bible says. Don't be a fire insurance salesperson, because due to this mindset, there are countless people under the impression that they're going to heaven and they're cool with God, and at the end of their life, they might very well hear those dreadful words from Jesus, "I never knew. Away from me you evildoers!"

Tormented

Yesterday morning I was reading through 2 Peter 2 and I came across this:
"If he condemned the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah by burning them to ashes and made them an example of what is going to happen to the ungodly, and if he rescued Lot, a righteous man, who was distressed by the filthy lives of lawless men (for that righteous man, living among them day after day was tormented in his righteous soul by the lawless deeds he saw and heard)..."

Lot lived in these cities of Sodom and Gomorrah (probably not an intelligent move in the first place), and they were cities that were full of all kinds of sexual immorality and perversion (good thing we don't have any cities like that, eh?). Peter says here that Lot was distressed and tormented in his righteous soul just because he saw the sin taking place around him and knew what an offense it was to God. I had to ask myself, how tormented is my soul by the lawless deeds I see and hear every day in this culture? I fear that we as Christians have become very desensitized to sin just because we are around it so much, but I would encourage you (and myself) to always remember what an offense to the character of God OUR sins and the sins of other are, and may we never be okay with sin.

Needy Lands

American soil, here we stand. I spent an extra seven days in Costa Rica and just returned Wednesday night. Within moments I was greeting by a pile of books to read, a play to act in, and a trip home, to MN. Not to mention I start classes in just over a week. I feel the stress mounting and my heart beating faster. I don't like it, but I am trapped by the mounds of things imposing upon me. For instance, I was planning on staying as far away from the stage as possible as our church prepared to put on a five day production. However, before I knew what was happening they were calling my name to be one of the main woman characters in the play! Ugh. Or yeah. Or I'm really not sure what to think. I'm don't know what I even think about the play in general + now I'm going to be up and center. I will give it all I've got because I know a lot of prayer and time has been put into it + for that I am grateful, but I just wish I would have fained missing last night + hit my books instead.

My time in Costa Rica was refreshing + difficult. We met so many people who view our Creator as nothing more than a fairytale. I wanted so badly for their hearts and minds to be open to God! I shared what feeble words I could + tried to live in the freedom God has given me, but I felt so inadequate to show them truth. I always feel so inadequate + being in another place sure doesn't change that.

"Oh Lord, that you would use Billy + I to truly make yourself known. Please direct our thoughts and actions these coming months; that You would be the only One we live for. We love you Lord."

Young man, you need an attitude adjustment!

So maybe I do. Alright, forget the maybe, I realized this week that I need a major attitude adjustment. You know how sometimes when you think about something negative, you just keep adding to it and it gets worse, even though nothing is actually happening to make it worse? I have been creating some of my own misery in my mind, and there's really just no reason for it. Therefore, I have decided that it is time for me to pull my head out of my butt, quit being so negative, and focus on the life and ministry that I have in front of me now. It's great when you look at things and realize they're nowhere near as bad as you think they are! We really are a bunch of whining and ungrateful humans. At least I am, but the beauty is that God works with us as we grow and it patient with our mistakes.

Back in the USA

"Isn't it so great to be back in the states? Doesn't it just make you thanks God for all of the things you have?" This is a question I was asked today by a lady at my church. I felt obliged to answer honestly, so I said, "No, not really." Am I thankful that God has blessed me so that I am able to live the life I do? Yes. However, I'm not relieved to be back to this insane culture and way of life. The level of comfort that we have here leads us into a lifstyle of self-sufficiency, which is absolutely no good for us. I don't depend on God for much here, at least I don't do so consciously. Those kids that I worked with in Costa Rica, and people who I have met in other countries realize their riches in Christ and depend on Him for their worldly survival. I am reminded of Matthew 6 when I think about this. Most people's primary concern is to provide for themselves and their family, but God says our primary concern should be His Kingdom, and that when we make this our primary concern, He will take care of the rest. He makes the lilies of the field beautiful and feeds birds, so what do we have to worry about. Truth be told, it's hard for me to be back here and to be forced to take a look at myself and my lifestyle. I want to depend on God. I want to learn what it means to hunger and thirst for God and His presence, to be aware of my utter dependence on him, and I want to learn what it is like to wrestle with God in prayer! Keep me in your own prayers.

Laughter is a medicine for the soul...

Today, our last day in Costa Rica was spent at place called Roblealto, which means high rock. Their goal is to help families at risk and in shambles due to poverty, abuse, or other factors. They have many aspect of their ministry but today we worked with their daycare. The kids ranged from 2 years old to 12. Upon arriving there we learned that another small group was there to put on a carnival for the kids today. Now this carnival was by our standards very lame, but these kids just loved it! The team had prayed that morning that God would send them three people to help with the day, and alas, when they walked through the door, there stood Pete, David and I, who the women (the whole other group was women) referred to ask God`s answer to their prayers.
However, the children were the answer to my prayers. I really just was asking and hoping to be boosted and lifted up as I left this country to face all that I left behind. Today as I played with the students, I experienced such great joy that I cannot describe it. As I pushed these cute little girls on the swing and watched them laugh with pure bliss, nothing else in the world existed outside the walls of that courtyard, and the cares of this world could not touch me. As I played frisbee with the boys and girls, there was no place I would rather have been than there! It was so obvious that these children did not typically receive this much attention on a regular basis and it was heartbreaking. However, it left me thanking God that Roblealto exists and gives these kids a chance to be loved, cared for, and taught that the origin of this love is God. As we walked from class to class, the older kids would sing us songs about the peace of God and how it helped them to overcome hardships in their life and another class was learning about that story of Moses and the Exodus, and they seemed to be loving it! I walked away from there today knowing that it was a building that was being used to spread the love of God to the hurting and helpless, as I was one of those to whom that love had been spread.

Regresamos

We have returned from our adventure to Arenal to see the volcano and do plenty of other things. We swam at the base of a waterfall and in a hot river, and went on some amazing zip lines. Let me tell you, summer camp zip lines will never be the same. These lines were so long that you would reach ridiculous speeds on them (especially Pete). The longest line was just 50 meters shy of a half mile.

The bus ride back was annoying. We stopped so often to drop off people, it was like we were taking a Chicago CTA bus for 4 hours. I finally created an incredible device that I think I should patten. As many of you know, I fall asleep all of the time. However, this is a pain when you are on a bus that is driving through the mountains and turning all of the time. Therefore, I used my belt and a tshirt to strap my head to the head rest so it would not be whipped back and forth on the turns. Therefore, I got a few good hours of uninterrupted sleep. Take notes fellow travelers! We are off to get some food and play risk with Matt and Jen, who are just awesome people. I will post some pictures in a few days when we get back. Hasta luego!

Muchos Gracias

Well, I guess Costa Rica is just like any other country: there are people who are awesome, and then the other people. The other people took an interest in my backpack while I was sleeping on the bus to Arenal, so I showed up here with only the clothes on my back, and luckily my passport, all of my money, and my wallet. So the guy got some clothes that he probably needed more than I did, a toothbrush which I´m sure he needed more than me, and my $3 backpack.

Today we met the awesome people as we explored Arenal. We had a nice man drive us to our zip line canopy tour who spoke only spanish. I sat up front with him and actually had a really nice conversation, and I was surprised to hear how much spanish I could pull out. Then we went to the rio caliente, that is, the hot river. It was a river that had a decent current and was about 100 degrees. It was awesome. We met some people there and talked to them for a while and found out they were Christians and we just had a great time with them. We will share a bus back to San Jose with them tomorrow, which will be so much fun. God has created so many amazing things, and it has been so cool to experience them here in Costa Rica! I have been pulled out of the slump that I was in, and I´m doing so much better. Thanks for your prayers, and stay awake when on busses in foreign countries, or keep your bag between your legs!

Una Dia Buena

I{ll keep this one short since its 1230 and I am using a spanish keyboard that is challenging. I just finished the last Harry Potter book, and I am still awake for some reason. Today was awesome! We got a lot of work done, and we really got to be an encouragement to Matt, who is a missionary that we are spending a lot of time with. Keep him and his family in your prayers, as his father had an unsuccessful surgery for colon cancer and his wife is due with a baby in about a week. He is a great man of God and we have been mutually encouraged by each other.

You know what I learned today that is interesting...we all carry loads. I felt so relieved to be down here and not carrying an emotional load with everything going on in my life, but when I got down here, I realized that most of these people have huge loads here. How do we truly learn to cast these loads upon Christ, because we cannot run from them, we can only do one of two things: bear carry them or let somebody else carry them. Pray that I would learn to hand them over, and I will pray the same for you. I am going to bed.

Adios!

Well, we're sitting here packing for Costa Rica, where we'll be heading tomorrow morning for 9 days. I can't tell you how excited we truly are for this! These days have been challenging ones, as many of you know. Finding my place in God plan, in my church and in life has been quite a trip right now. I'm proud to tell you guys that I've got nothing figured out. I don't know what God wants me to do at my church or with my life or anything really. For once, I'm really quite okay with an immense amount of uncertainty!

I'm excited to go spend time with missionaries and see what God is doing in a different culture. It's rare that I look around in my church and feel like God is at work there. Does that sound terrible? I am ashamed to admit that I'm a part of the problem. I'm so unsure how to help lead people out of spiritual apathy and into a passionate relationship with God. It's all I can do to keep myself from falling into it, let alone try to pull others out. However, I know that God is more than sufficient.

Okay, so I'll rant for a few minutes here...it's quite incredible that after my wife and I finished reading our Bibles, we had extremely similar things to share with on another afterward (as a note, I wish I could claim that we sit down to read our Bibles together regularly, but it's unfortunately rather rare that this happens). She was reading in Leviticus and I was reading in 1 Peter, and we had similar thoughts. I'll share my own. Peter writes and just assumes that so many things are true about his readers simply because they are Christians. He assumes that they have put aside so many sinful and useless practices and that they are filled with an "inexpressible and glorious joy." Wow, when's the last time I could say I was filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy? What am I missing? Why is it that I am rather filled with...stuff to do? I am hoping that this trip to Costa Rica will be one that will help me remember that inexpressible and glorious joy that we should be filled with due to the grace that has been shown us! For the 3 of you that read this (I'm going to do this more frequently now, I promise), please be in prayer for Katie and I as we are away. Have a great week!

Dios es tan bueno!!

Sometimes, I think I've got things kinda rough. I struggle with ministry and with my chruch and some frustrations, but then I have some major wake-up calls to remind me that God has spared me many things in His amazing grace. As some of you know, I'm in a group counseling class this week. We spend time talking about all kinds of issues in our lives, while we are actually getting group counseling (which is phenomenal and I think everyone should at least try their hand at it once). I saw that not one other guy in my class had a good relationship with their father. There was a girl who had been molested, raped, and otherwise mistreated, a girl whose family was in shambles, and other people with various struggles. I found myself feeling almost guilty for not experiencing the same kind of pain that they had. I felt guilty that God had spared me so much. But wait a minute, GUILT SUCKS! It usually involves in some way not humbly accepting what God has given you, whether it be forgiveness (this is a big one), a good family, the means to live relatively comfortably, take your pick.

How about ourselves. Do we thank God for making us the people we are? I listened to Greg Speck speak at Moody and he was talking about self-esteem and our relationship with God. He challenged us to go home, look in the mirror, and thank God for making us the person that we are! That was an intense thought. We spend so much time complaining about the way we are, or just asking God to change it (which, don't get me wrong, definitely has its place), but how often do we thank God for making us the people we are? I know that I don't do it enough, though I have several times since I listened to Greg, and it's incredible. The gift of our lives, the one that is often not remembered. So DO IT!

I walked out of class, and after talking with some friends I called my dad to thank him for being there for me, and for being a good dad. I love my dad and have a great relationship with him, and that's something to be thankful for. Here's my second didactic statement in one blog, if you have a good relationship with your parents, call and thank them for it. I'm guessing that with how often this relationship gets screwed up, it must be hard to even pull of relatively right. This is starting to sound like a sermon.

On that note, I'll quit before I come up with a third command for you all (well, I think maybe 2 or 3 people read this). Enjoy your day, your God, and your life!

An interesting meeting

Well, this Thursday night was one interesting meeting at West Hills. 30 of our members had filled out a survey to assess where our church is at on 8 different characteristics of Natural Church Development. An outsider came to give us the results and discuss what they showed. He started out by saying "This is really hard. I've never had to do a meeting like this." What he meant was, he'd never seen a church score so low across the boards. He said if your church average was 35 out of 100, he recommends closing down the church and doing a replant. Our average score was 28.5 . This came as no great surprise to me. Actually it, somewhat did, because I didn't know that the member of our church actually did realize the state of things.

Some people were relieved, some surprised, and some were crushed. I was...there. I'm not sure what I was. About a million thoughts went through my mind. Are we going under? Should we? Is our church doing any good for the kingdom by keeping their doors open? Am I doing any good by keeping people at this church?

What's the problem? Well, leave it to me to be reductionistic, but it seems like nobody cares. Nobody cares about the right thing at least. We care that there is plenty of food, hot dogs, and crap after the service, but fail to convey the truths of God's Word. We look out for ourselves, but aren't affecting the community one ounce. There's no sense of what the church is supposed to be, no passion for God (at least anything that's producing noticeable fruit), and nobody who's willing to lead others toward becoming God's chosen instrument to reach the world. So what's my place in all of this?

I don't trust God...

I almost choked and fell off of my chair as I heard those words in a class of mine at Trinity. I felt really uncomfortable for a few minutes as I listened to others who shared the same sentiments. I felt as though I needed to defend God and His character. Then I remembered that He's pretty good at doing that on His own. As I listened to the pain of others, I found myself feeling a bit guilty, because I've never even been close to the kind of pain that they are going through. My mind was going nuts as I experienced about a billion emotions at once.

So where did I end up? Grateful to God for His grace for one. I finally came to the realization that maybe many Christians don't trust God. What don't they trust? They don't trust that He'll keep them safe, that He'll protect them from pain and give them a life that at least seems to have some measure of happiness. And you know what? They shouldn't! I think that we should have absolute faith that God will do everything He has promised, but we need to make sure we know what God has promised and what He hasn't. When people confuse this, they see God as untrustworthy and unreliable. Would you trust me if I didn't give you a million dollars? Of course you would, because I would never promise to do that. However, if I fell short on all of my promises, of course you wouldn't trust me!

So what has God promised? I heard people saying "I know God has a plan for me and this is part of it." Time out. Where are you pulling that from? Does God ordain every detail of our lives? I really don't think so, however, I would be open to anyone's comments on this matter. I think God has a plan to redeem the world through His son, and we can count on that. I think that if we continue to seek God and keep Him at the forefront of our lives, that He will work all things together for our good (Romans 8), but maybe that's just in the form of trials that will develop our character. Does God cause everything bad that happens in this world because it's part of His plan? I think not. Does He use it to refine us? Absolutely! However, I'm interested to hear what you all think...

Slitting my throat is all I ever had...

Yeah, that was my reaction too. I enjoy the sound of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and have rocked out to them several times in my van with youth group kids, particularly the song "Otherside." I sang along to the parts I knew, which were only a few. Upon listening to it again and looking up the lyrics, I was able to surmise that the lead singer was either talking about suicide or a drug addiction, two solid things to be singing about with your youth group kids, Pastor Genius.

Don't worry if you think I'm too hard on myself, I'm really not. However, we have to think. I have kids in my youth group who I guarantee have considered suicide, and here I am sitting
and singing along joyfully with them. No wonder our kids are depressed, they live off of this stuff and identify with it. A lesson well learned today that I need to THINK a bit more often about what the heck I am doing. Do you?

I'm tired...

So, my dad was here this weekend, which was awesome! We played lots of golf (I got a lot better in 4 days, even beat my dad this morning), ate food, hung out with friends, went riding, and of course had lots of fun! That's why I'm tired. It's hard when you only see people occasionally, because you try to spend as much time as possible with them, and then you come away from it trashed.

Now my dad is gone, Katie's in MN to work for her dad, and I'm all alone. Maybe this is a good thing though, since I have a bigillion pages of reading to do before I start summer school on June 4th. Don't worry, I'm 10 pages in. Solid.

So as I sat in staff meeting this morning, we talked about sharing our faith. It was interesting to me that an elder in our church and a few ministry leaders found it really hard to share their faith, even with another believer. Are we doing something wrong here as a church? I went on a small tirade about how the controlling message of our lives should be something that we can explain at the drop of a hat. Why is it so hard? Do people really know what they believe in or why they believe it. I started getting visions of trying to teach some kind of a basic theology class at our church (after all, what's one more thing on the plate), making sure people really know what they believe. I have a problem with the 3 minute four step gospel presentation. I don't think it really does much in our present day society. I think we have an obligation to help people really understand what they are getting into; what kind of a God they are putting their "faith" in and what it means to put your faith in Christ. I don't think we should try to push somebody through to pray a prayer that they don't really understand or believe. How many of those types of conversion experiences are effective. Anyways, just some food for thought.

Continued Craziness

Is it really possible to keep up with one of these? Things change so fast I feel like I need to write a book every time I get on here! Katie got accepted into UIC for nursing, which was a huge answer to prayer! She was on the waiting list and wasn't sure if she was going to get in. This means a much shorter commute for her, less time in school, and she doesn't have to take summer school this year. All around, it's just awesome!

As for me, I'm always reassessing life and ministry. We are currently trying to recruit some new leaders for our youth group so that we can connect with students on a more consistent and meaningful level. It's such a challenge. We really are in a battle for the souls of young people, and there seem to be so many forces against us. It's great to know that it says "if God is for us, who can be against us!" But since you asked, culture is against us, the entertainment industry, school systems, human nature, and those darn cicadas (we'll have those in less than a week if the scientists are correct). I guess the point of that is that nobody can actually compare with the power of God, who is on our side, but it's just rough sometimes.

My dad's in town for the weekend, so I'm pretty pumped about that! There'll be plenty of motorcycle riding, golfing, chillin, and probably some monopoly too (I beat Katie for the first time ever last weekend, so she wants to play and school me once again to regain her dominion). Not much meaning to this blog, just updating you!

Yes, I am awesome...

Well, it seems as though I'm as good at remembering to blog as I am remembering to do just about anything else. I'm one of those people who will put something in front of the door so I remember to take it to work, then I will move it to open the door and leave it on the floor. Anyways, a lot has gone on since we last blogged. Currently, we are struggling through some decisions.

Katie was accepted to Northern Illinois University's nursing program. However, this was her second choice as it will take 6 months longer to complete and will also require summer school classes this summer. She is on the waiting list at UIC, her first choice, so that is what we are doing: waiting. Waiting is hard. It's frustrating, requires patience, and trust in God. It's easier to trust when everything is going your way.

As for me, well, I'm waiting too...to get started on my big paper that's due in 10 days. My waiting is maybe a little bit less responsible. We are working through some changes, as always, in our youth ministry. I love change, so it's exciting for me.

Then there is that dang motorcycle in my garage, another example of me overestimating my abilities. I bought a bike last year that was a "great deal." Right. I just finished replacing the head gasket on ym own, and in the process, I have managed to screw up something else, so now I'm frustrated with a busted up motorcycle in my garage that irritates me every time I go down there, but I don't have the time to put into it right now. Oh well, we'll see what happens with that.

Well, I'm off to go to work, where I will struggle to manage my time well and use it for God's glory. Hope you all have a great day, but I wonder how long it will be before anyone reads this, since it's been forever since I've posted. Maybe I'll send an email...